Are We Talking About The Same Kid?
As a therapist who has working with children both in school and outpatient settings for over a decade, I've seen many parents grappling with a curious phenomenon: their child is well-behaved and compliant at school but transforms into a defiant and non-compliant individual at home. This dichotomy can be perplexing and frustrating for parents who wonder why their child behaves like a model student in one setting and seems to unleash their inner rebel in another. If you're in this boat, you're not alone, and there are strategies you can employ to manage and understand this behavior.
The School Environment: Structure, Peers, and Expectations
Firstly, it's important to recognize the role that environment plays in shaping behavior. Schools offer a structured environment with clear rules, consistent routines, and immediate consequences. There's also the element of social motivation; children often want to fit in with peers and earn approval from teachers. This social dynamic can significantly motivate a child to adhere to the expected behavior.
Home Sweet Home: A Place to Unwind
In contrast, home is where the heart is, and often, where the guard is let down. It's the safe space where children feel they can express themselves without the fear of social judgment. For some children, this means releasing pent-up emotions and frustrations that they've held in check all day at school. This isn't necessarily bad; it means your child feels secure at home. However, it can become problematic if this emotional release translates into defiance and non-compliance or escalates to the point of feeling out of control on a consistent basis.
Consistency is Key
Consistency between home and school expectations can sometimes be at odds. At school, a child knows that not following rules leads to specific consequences. If the home environment lacks consistent rules or consequences, or if they are not in line with those the child encounters at school, this can lead to confusion and testing boundaries. It is not uncommon for a child to act out at home and receive a verbal warning one day, a removal of privilege the next, or have a behavior completely ignored another day. This isn’t a sign of poor parenting, but the lack of consistency can be problematic for some children who like to test boundaries or just need a consistent response.
Strategies for Parents
Create Structure at Home: Implement a routine similar to the one your child follows at school. Set clear expectations for behavior, with consistent consequences and rewards. One way to do this is to have a family meeting where members of the household collaborate on “house rules” and then expected consequences. Common house rules might be “keep hands to self” or “talk in a calm voice.” Having clear rules helps your child know the expected behavior and having consistent consequences for broken rules (e.g. loss of 15 minutes of electronics) help the child to make an informed decision about their behavior.
Open Communication: Talk to your child. Sometimes children act out because they're struggling with emotions they don't understand or can't express. Provide a space where they feel heard and understood. Sometimes a statement as simple as, “You don’t seem yourself today, is there anything going on that you’s like to talk about?” can create an opportunity for dialogue about the bigger feelings that their behavior likely represents.
Positive Reinforcement: Catch your child being good. Positive reinforcement can encourage the behavior you want to see at home. Some parents fear pointing out positive behaviors because they think this might remind their child about acting out. The truth is, in the long run it has the opposite effect. Children will usually increase frequency of behaviors that are praised at home. Think about what you’d like to reinforce or see more of— “I know you were upset just now and I’m really proud of you for calming down and talking calmly with me.”
Collaboration with School: Work with your child's teachers to understand the strategies they use to elicit good behavior. Some of these may be transferable to the home. Many schools offer resources such as groups on self-regulation or anger management, meetings with the school counselor, or social-emotional lessons taught in the classroom where similar language can be used at home to keep expectations consistent.
Self-Care for Parents: Managing a child's challenging behavior can be exhausting. Ensure you're taking care of your own mental health needs, so you're better equipped to handle those of your child. This also models self-care and self-regulation for children. It’s a great opportunity to model for your child how you manage your own reactions and emotions— “Mommy is having a really tough day so I’m going to take a moment to myself so I can calm myself down.”
Seek Professional Help if Needed: If the behavior is significantly impacting family life or your child's well-being, it may be time to seek help from a child psychologist or therapist to help you and your child work together to improve family functioning.
Remember, it's not uncommon for children to exhibit different behaviors in different settings. With patience, understanding, and consistent strategies, you can guide your child towards more consistent behavior both at school and at home. Your child's behavior is not a reflection of your parenting; it's a call to adapt your strategies to meet their needs in this complex world.
